Homecoming week

Over the past few weeks some of my facebook friends have posted pictures of their teens heading off to homecoming. It made me kind of wishful for my own kids to have these experience. Last week turned out to be homecoming for Peter's new school. I was nostalgically excited. Yet, I did not push anything and just let him go about his days discovering the opportunities himself. His hallway attendant reminded him everyday that on Friday she'd be taking him to the pep rally. I figured that would be the extend of his homecoming experience. That would have been enough.

The whole week just about passed before he declared he did want to attend the homecoming football game. John picked him up from school on Friday afternoon (as I had to be home for a Verizon appointment). The attendant relayed that Peter had purchased a ticket to the dance, but verbalized that he thought it was a game ticket. So he had dove off into the deep end. 

Would anyone at the dance even know him? What would he wear? What if he got lost (the attendant wasn't going)? Encountered a bully? Have you seen the Netflix show Atypical? It's kind of crass, and has some inappropriate and disappointingly unrealistic subplots... but we've watched both seasons for the autism component. The show is about a teenager named Sam, who is highly functional, gets good grades, has a job, and can go about his day independently. Peter is not Sam. However, there are elements of the show and family dynamic (not the cheating mom part, obviously) that I can relate to.  There's was also a story online last week from another autism mom whose son was sexually harassed at his homecoming dance (which was caught on the school surveillance camera). I would say that I had these various scenarios in my mind of good or bad outcomes.

He decided that he did indeed wanted to go. With less than 24 hours notice drove all over town procuring the appropriate garments. He needed dress shoes and slacks. He's very skinny with a tall inseam. We had to go to several different stores to find something that would fit. Rush home, rush the new pants and old dress shirt though wash, dryer, and iron. Coax him to allow dad to brush his mane. (Since starting school he has refused to have his hair cut... thank you long haired teen boys everywhere). I made sure to take some pictures before it got too dark out... because I feared this might be the only dance he would ever attend...

We dropped him off at the gym and he waved with a grin and walked into the lions den. He had his sister's cell phone (the flip phone we purchased for whenever one of the kids would be out without us). His Angel Sense GPS device was tacked to the inside of his sport coat pocket. It wasn't functioning very well and I'm trying to arrange to send it back, but we're still using it for now. While it has a listen in feature, I did not activate it. The $40 a month service charge only included 60 minutes of listen in time.  Perhaps I should have. 

About two hours later we got a call from an unknown number, which turned out to be Peter having borrowed the cell phone of an adult. He was crying and saying something about "friends no longer being friends." John took off to go get him. When I activated the listen in feature of the Angel Sense device. I heard Peter crying and venting while John was driving him home..

Peter doesn't tell stories in chronological order. He shares the strongest emotions first. Some girl told him "I don't even know you, you don't belong here!" When he got home practically crawled into my lap. John drew up an Epsom salt bath. The flip phone was gone. Peter said he had broke it. He had a picture card from the dance. At some point he was photographed with four other kids, who seemed to be two couples. Peter said one of the kids is in his guitar class... and that kid "watched porn," which Peter repeatedly expressed disapproval of several times through the rest of the weekend. (a couple of times while we were eating lunch at Costco surrounded by his younger siblings and many other people.) So it sounds like he spent the first hour or so with this "porn addicted" friend, then separated from him and linked up with his "locker-helper" girl who had told him he was welcomed to hang out with her and her friends. This girl offered to help him with his locker one day. His assigned locker isn't working. So it was one of her friends who might not have been having a good time. Peter admits he said to this girl that she reminded him of his sister, Charlotte. Then she let loose her verbal assault. He said after that he went away and cried. At some point though he approached the girl and requested she apologize to him. I can't be sure of the exact wording, but "some boys" told Peter "whoh, whoh, she's got problems." At some point after the girl said her piece Peter admits he snapped the flip phone into two pieces. Then he approached the police officer at the dance for help calling his parents. 

We're all pretty tired after this weekend! Charlotte had a busy day outside of the house on Monday, so we spent a lot of time on Sunday trying to fix her up with a phone. Peter has been OBSESSED with wanting to get a cell phone... but not just any old flip phone, he wanted a "real phone." So we had to find a way to go negotiate the purchase of a new phone without him... distract, distract, distract was my whole day. She's working outside the house 5 times a week walking dogs through the neighborhood. I want her to have some sort of GPS tracking capacity and thus an iPhone would be the best solution. Keeping anything a secret from him is difficult, and I wasn't going to be able to do this while he's in school without sacrificing a whole day of homeschool (and going to a store with my other 7 kids in tow). So it had to be done on Sunday, while Peter was home. John is better at this stuff anyhow. So he took Felicity to "buy food for her rabbit"... and bought himself a new cellphone and Charlotte now has his old one. 

We're not sure where the pieces of the flip phone went. He didn't bring them home. 

We need a GPS/ cell phone solution for Peter... but something that won't be likely to become his destress tool. He has the habit of taking his frustration out on electronics... and just about anything he lays his eyes on. More then a couple times I've seen him look at the digital thermostat for our  new heat pump. Resting his head on the face of it or just staring at it squarely as in his line of site being at his eye level... he does that, he will fixate on an object for a while before he destroys it. If he breaks that thermostat I think I'd loose my mind. He resents that I spent so much money (trying to improve the air quality and winter heating system) instead of buying him whatever it is he thinks he must have. We wouldn't have given him his sisters cell phone, except we wanted to be sure he could call us if he wanted to leave early. But then he broke it instead of using it. It's like we're suppose to buy him only the most expensive item or it's not worth his respect. I'm beyond sick of it. However, there's no help out there for this sort of issue. He rules this house. 

Short days

Our new normal is a carefully choreographed dance of separation. John takes Peter to school at 7:50am and I pick him up at 2:55pm on a typical school day. Usually he's out of the house before any of his "annoying" siblings have graced his presence. If I can get everyone finished with all their lessons before pickup time, the late afternoon can be more easily focused on creating a quiet peaceful environment for the after-school landing.

Yesterday, however, was a testing day, all the kids doing the PSAT before an 2 hour early release. We had a lot less time to accomplish our homeschooling goals. Generally, if I can at least get the two younger boys finished with their work, that makes the biggest difference, as their presence is especially irritating to their big brother. Getting the girls (especially the 9yo) to stick to a schedule is like forcing a round peg into a square hole. They tend to disappear given any distraction and I have to restrain myself to yell for them to return... if possible. Sometimes it's not possible for me to search for them throughout the whole house and "quietly" demand they return to their studies at the table. Even yelling at/to the other children can cause Peter to come unglued.

Which brings me to contemplating June 13, the last day of school with a foreboding of dread. To keep the peace it will become imperative that we find him something to do during the day, outside of the house... or the rest of us find something to do outside of the house... and that it not cost us much money. Because... oh yeah... John is suppose to retire soon and instead of saving, we've been hemorrhaging money, time, and energy. We're on the glide path to land flat on our faces if anything other than divine intervention unfolds when he hangs up his uniform for good.

The list of broken stuff is still long. Yesterday was also the beginning of an open application season for a particular grant that kids with certain developmental disabilities can apply for. We are totally new to all of this. I only joined the special blessings group this past year (never having been to an actual meeting because it's like in Manassas, not nearby)… John has attending some informational presentations and I've been gleaning from the web groups. This particular grant is limited to first come, first serve, and needs based and I "think" it's state money. You have to specify exactly how you'd use it and for what, and be prepared to be audited of course. Folks apparently, stay up late so they can submit the application upon the stroke of midnight. The response was so overwhelming the site apparently crashed. By time we got around to putting in our application, everything was fixed. As we went through the form, I was struck with thoughts of "where shall I start, what's most likely to be approved and granted?" We put in a request for funding for the monthly service fee for the Angel Sense GPS tracking device I purchased last month. It was on sale, and I felt it might be very helpful as Peter leaves the house more often, perhaps even transitioning to leaving on his own.

Why not a cell phone... because as I read the crime reports daily, one of the most common crimes committed near our house is cellphone theft from pedestrian victims. If someone tried to assault my son, they'd have to have a special tool to remove and get away with the Angel Sense device. That was my rational. He still wants a cell phone though. That's one of the conversations I try and avoid with him, as he can get irritated pretty quickly. I told him the device wasn't just for him, as I've been sending it with Charlotte when she goes to walk dogs. That seemed to make it a little more acceptable to him. And for the moment he's not actually using it much. We hand him off to an attendant at school for now.

Next week we're having our IEP meeting and I'll learn more about what they think will be appropriate accommodations. We are hoping that perhaps we could get him a special needs bus ride or at least keep the attendant. However, they've continued to suggest that the attendant would only be a temporary accommodation. We'll see.

So my birthday is coming up... a date I'd rather ignore frankly. The school just scheduled the IEP meeting for that morning. So it's sooooo not going to be all about "me!" Every year John wants to know what I want. If I don't specify something, he usually buys me something I'd rather not have. All these years, he still doesn't really get me.... well he gets that we have different ideas and tastes. He gets that I usually don't like random gifts. If the "gift" is coming from my own pot of money, or as usually is the case, a unplanned expense I'm going to be very discriminating. I immediately think about the other things we need more than said unrequested item. Like, right now, we need to do some more yard drainage work for the house. The range hood over the stove and the dishwasher are both broke. All the storm doors are broken. The damage from Peter's last major outburst (broken glass shower door, and cabinet vanity doors, and towel rack) has caused the menfolk to abandon their bathroom, increasing the traffic in the "mom"/ diaper change bathroom. I can't even think about frivolous "wants." I can't force myself to fake joy in the little "gifts." I've always been this way. It's not gotten easier over the years. So this year I thought kind of hard... because it's really not about me at all. Birthdays are always about everyone else and what they want. They want to buy something and have me be grateful... so I told him I wanted the Joseph to my Bavarian Madonna, which is just about impossible as the 22" statue has been on backorder for years. So I suggested perhaps the set in the shorter stature... which is a compromise. If he actually buys them both in the smaller size I'm not sure what I'll do with my big statue. It's one of the few nice things I have that hasn't been wrecked. It's just a statue that's pleasant to look upon. As things have been destroyed my tendency to be attached to any "thing" has died a little more. I want to like my things. I want to live in a pretty home. However, nothing I can do right now would foster those desires, so why waste time, money, or energy on those?
That's where I'm at right now.